The Memo

Dear Stella:

Congratulations on turning two! It's an exciting time of life and development. Talking in sentences. Running free as a bird. Everything is in reach; nothing is off limits. No one can stop you now!

Well, there are some people who might want to slow you down a bit. And that's exactly why we're contacting you. As a matter of fact, we generally like to touch base with you on your 2nd birthday, but it seems your special day slipped through the cracks. Your parents did not throw a bash to put all celebrations to shame with ponies and unicorns and bouncy castles and clowns and cotton candy and princess cakes and more ponies. (Note: When you're choosing between a state school and a private, liberal arts college, feel free to mention how you got the shaft that year.)

We've compiled a list of helpful tips and suggestions to keep the balance of power where it rightfully belongs--in your hands.

• If someone tries to pick you up, raise your shoulders to your ears, creating a slippery-essence to your body, as if you might ooze through the captor's hands.


• Do not allow confinement. This goes for car seats, strollers, booster seats, grocery carts. Arch your back, kick your feet, and let loose a high-pitched scream. Hopefully people in the vicinity will stop and stare.


• People will insist on holding hands, especially in parking lots and in areas where speeding cars are possible. The more insistent they become about holding hands, the more you should resist. Allow your knees to buckle, let your body go boneless (think: Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Oh, you haven't seen that? They say it's not age-appropriate? Good grief) and let the weight of your body spin you frantically in circles. And scream. Always with the screeching, screaming.


• Regarding bathtime: you still love playing in the water, but you don't want to actually be cleaned, particularly your hair. Smearing shampoo on the head warrants a wail. Rinsing with water, bring out the I'm being tortured shouts.


• Diapering. Hate it. Squirm. Kick. Smear, if you dare.


• Going potty. We agree, this IS fun and big kid stuff. But when the novelty wears off, and they would really like you to move on from diapers, lose complete interest.


• Napping. You'll sleep when you go to that pricey college. The time to party is NOW.

We're happy to have you on board, Stella. Being two is a remarkable time, and from what we understand, you're doing an outstanding job at establishing your independence.

Sincerely,

Committee to Empower Two Year Olds